First, use the duct tape to secure those troublesome hostages to the kitchen table. There should be no distractions while you cook, and you must eliminate any security risks. Chop up the peppers and onion. Combine all the ingredients in a pan and cook on med-hi heat. Stir while cross-questioning hostages. Serve over rice and be grateful.

Basic Gluten Blueprint

Gluten, or seitan, is a cheap, effective way of feeding hostages. Gluten is the protein of wheat and makes a very nice meat substitute. You can find prepared seitan in some health food stores, but its much cheaper and more fun to make it at home. Making gluten can be a rather timely process, so I suggest that you drag your hostages into the kitchen, where they can be more closely monitored.

Slowly add the water to the flour in a big bowl and mix into a stiff dough. Knead like a maniac. Kneading develops the gluten and is vital to our mission. Cover the dough ball with cold water and let stand. You can let it sit there for an hour or, if your hostages are acting up, you can let it sit there all night. This loosens the starch. After letting the dough sit, knead under the water. Stop kneading it right before the water is clear. The dough will be soft as you wash it and suddenly get real firm. That's when you want to stop washing and place it on a board to drain. Form the gluten into a roll and cut into 1/2 inch / 13 millimeter slices. Scream at your hostages for a while then go prepare your broth.

Throw all the broth ingredients into a big pot and bring to a low boil. Throw the raw gluten in and let simmer until most of the liquid is gone. This will take around an hour and a half. Stir occasionally. Don't let it boil!

Now you have the core for a whole arsenal of potentially dangerous dishes. You can use it in sandwiches, stews, stir frys and pasta dishes. Experiment and document your findings.

'Spoonfight: Vegan Manual to Kitchen Terrorism'